Like I said before, I was always a storm brewing. Anybody in my path usually felt the wrath of me. Even once I was out on my own, I was still a mess on the inside. I still looked for happiness in places I shouldn’t, Men usually. My Ex-husband and I shared joint custody by this time. Somehow in my selfish mind, if I wanted to go out on one of my days I had my children, I justified it by saying they were with their dad and did what I wanted. I look back now and know they needed me as well and I was a very selfish person. After a few years of dating, I found myself in an affair with my boss who had been a really good friend of mine. It lasted 7 years of my life. I had no regard for his wife or children, I only wanted what I wanted. During this time, of the so-called relationship, it settled me down very quickly. I found myself pregnant within the first 3 months. He claimed he loved me but he couldn’t bare for his family to know about everything and wanted me to have an abortion. I went to my parents for advice and of course they said, I needed to have one. I was 31, yet I allowed everybody around me to make that decision for me. (WOMEN, I NEED YOU TO REALLY READ THIS PART BECAUSE IT CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER. IT WAS WRONG FOR ME TO DO THIS AND IT HAS SCARRED ME FOR A LIFETIME.) I found myself in an abortion clinic with him and it was HORRIBLE, women were wall to wall. I knew when I walked in, that I wasn’t suppose to go through with it. God was really working on me that day…but I didn’t listen. I remember when they first called me into the first room, the song Breathe came on by Faith Hill. It had been a song that reminded me of this man. (I don’t want to name him out of respect for his wife) The moment that song came on, I ran out of the room and told him, I wasn’t suppose to go through with it. The song was a sign to me, but his words to me were, “Anita, you have to.” I slowly turned around and was shuffled to the back where they do an ultra sound and show you your baby and tell you about the procedure. It once again was HORRIBLE, I will NEVER forget it. When they took me into the actual room for the procedure, it was cold and empty with only the doctor, nurse and myself. They had gave me a medication that is suppose to sedate you somewhat, but it doesn’t. You feel every bit of the pain. When he started the procedure, I screamed at him to stop that I change my mind, over and over. It was to late at this time, He coldly raised his voice and told me to spread my legs, he needed to finish. I remember waking up in post-op room and women being all around me. The doctor came in and asked me, did I understand why he did what he did, that It was to late and it could have killed me had he stopped. 2 weeks later I did have to return for a DNC, it still showed on the ultr-sound I was 6 weeks pregnant. I wasn’t, it was a blood clot. God made sure that experience was engraved in my memory forever and it is!!! After going through all I did, I was very attached to the man I was having the affair with. By this time, it was a love/hate relationship because I hated him for forcing me into it. Our relationship was very toxic, His wife found out and he would always, just like a light switch cut off all communication and once things were good at home again…He would show up on my front porch. This went on for 7 years. It was a living hell that I continued putting myself through, I kept trying to use him to complete me and it wasn’t possible. Only God could do that. My Bipolar was crazy during this time, although I had no Idea that’s what it was. I was crazy, I would threaten to tell his wife, if he didn’t do what I wanted. He changed his number once to break off contact, I walked in his house that he was sharing with his family when he wasn’t home. Somebody told me how to dial a number on your phone and it tells you your number. I did just that. I walked in their bedroom and took their cordless phone into the living room and followed the directions and got his new number. I laid the phone somewhere different on purpose. I was Crazy! I would load my kids in the car all hours of the night to drive by his house, just as my mom had us, except it was the bars looking for my dad. His wife lived for Jesus faithfully and in time, her prayers paid off and our crazy relationship ended for good. I could go into so many other stories but that isn’t the point of my blog. Today he is a pastor at a church and Gods purpose for his life is being full-filled, regardless of the enemies schemes. Not long after, I met the man God has blessed me with today as my husband. That was 8 years ago…and it was a difficult journey but in the end came healing in many, many ways. I hope your return to the next chapter.
Blessings for today….