Storms Of My Life

Like I said before, I was always a storm brewing. Anybody in my path usually felt the wrath of me. Even once I was out on my own, I was still a mess on the inside. I still looked for happiness in places I shouldn’t, Men usually. My Ex-husband and I shared joint custody by this time.  Somehow in my selfish mind, if I wanted to go out on one of my days I had my children, I justified it by saying they were with their dad and did what I wanted. I look back now and know they needed me as well and I was a very selfish person. After a few years of dating, I found myself in an affair with my boss who had been a really good friend of mine. It  lasted 7 years of my life. I had no regard for his wife or children, I only wanted what I wanted. During this time,  of the so-called relationship, it settled me down very quickly. I found myself pregnant within the first 3 months. He claimed he loved me but he couldn’t bare for his family to know about everything and wanted me to have an abortion. I went to my parents for advice and of course they said, I needed to have one. I was 31, yet I allowed everybody around me to make that decision for me. (WOMEN, I NEED YOU TO REALLY READ THIS PART BECAUSE IT CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER. IT WAS WRONG FOR ME TO DO THIS AND IT HAS SCARRED ME FOR A LIFETIME.) I found myself in an abortion clinic with him and it was HORRIBLE, women were wall to wall. I knew when I walked in, that I wasn’t suppose to go through with it. God was really working on me that day…but I didn’t listen. I remember when they first called me into the first room, the song Breathe came on by Faith Hill. It had been a song that reminded me of this man. (I don’t want to name him out of respect for his wife) The moment that song came on, I ran out of the room and told him, I wasn’t suppose to go through with it. The song was a sign to me, but his words to me were, “Anita, you have to.” I slowly turned around and was shuffled to the back where they do an ultra sound and show you your baby and tell you about the procedure. It once again was HORRIBLE, I will NEVER forget it. When they took me into the actual room for the procedure, it was cold and empty with only the doctor, nurse and myself. They had gave me a medication that is suppose to sedate you somewhat, but it doesn’t. You feel every bit of the pain. When he started the procedure, I screamed at him to stop that I change my mind, over and over.  It was to late at this time, He coldly raised his voice and told me to spread my legs, he needed to finish. I remember waking up in post-op room and women being all around me. The doctor came in and asked me, did I understand why he did what he did, that It was to late and it could have killed me had he stopped. 2 weeks later I did have to return for a DNC, it still showed on the ultr-sound I was 6 weeks pregnant. I wasn’t, it was a blood clot. God made sure that experience was engraved in my memory forever and it is!!! After going through all I did, I was very attached to the man I was having the affair with. By this time, it was a love/hate relationship because I hated him for forcing me into it. Our relationship was very toxic, His wife found out and he would always, just like a light switch cut off all communication and once things were good at home again…He would show up on my front porch. This went on for 7 years. It was a living hell that I continued putting myself through, I kept trying to use him to complete me and it wasn’t possible. Only God could do that. My Bipolar was crazy during this time, although I had no Idea that’s what it was. I was crazy, I would threaten to tell his wife, if he didn’t do what I wanted. He changed his number once to break off contact, I walked in his house that he was sharing with his family when he wasn’t home. Somebody told me how to dial a number on your phone and it tells you your number. I did just that. I walked in their bedroom and took their  cordless phone into the living room and followed the directions and got his new number. I laid the phone somewhere different on purpose. I was Crazy! I would load my kids in the car all hours of the night to drive by his house, just as my mom had us, except it was the bars looking for my dad. His wife lived for Jesus faithfully and in time, her prayers paid off and our crazy relationship ended for good. I could go into so many other stories but that isn’t the point of my blog. Today he is a pastor at a church and Gods purpose for his life is being full-filled, regardless of the enemies schemes.  Not long after, I met the man God has blessed me with today as my husband. That was 8 years ago…and it was a difficult journey but in the end came healing in many, many ways. I hope your return to the next chapter.

Blessings for today….

The Calm before Storm

I was diagnosed with Bipolar in 2010 and it not only saved my marriage  but my life.  Here I start with that difficult journey that was a domino effect to many mistakes that changed the course of my life.

(Bipolar isn’t who I am, It doesn’t define me. What defines me, Is Jesus Christ.)

Psalm 139:14  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

The day I got married to my first husband somehow didn’t feel like the best day of my life. We had been through so much up until that point, I honestly was so over it and him. I was 22 and it was 1989, we had recently gotten back together to try and repair our 3 year relationship when I found out I was pregnant with my son. That WAS the HAPPIEST day of my life!  The moment they put him in my arms, I was in love. I wanted more than anything to have the perfect family with the perfect house, with the white picket fence because my life growing up was so far from that. When my oldest was born, he was my everything, we decided I wouldn’t work so that I could stay home with him, Zack that is. My husband was a very calm man, and I on the other hand was a storm brewing all the time. I had no idea how to contain my emotions so the way I expressed them was by screaming and throwing things..at him. He would go behind me cleaning up my messes as though it was normal and at the time, it was my normal and his as well. You have to remember, I came from a home of complete chaos growing up. A year into our marriage, I ran into an old boyfriend who I thought I still loved. (Only the enemies lies of course.) I had a one night stand with him and out of that came my daughter. My entire pregnancy was filled with guilt and shame for what I had done. At the time, I wasn’t a 100% sure she wasn’t my husbands but inside I knew. Once Chelsea entered the world in 1992, I lived in torment of who she belonged to. Her biological dad would only tell me his blood type so I had to figure out on my own who she belonged to and did and it wasn’t my husband. I went to my parents during this time asking them, How do I tell him hes not Chelsea’s dad? They convinced me not to tell him, because my families way of coping with things were not dealing with them, we just swept them under the rug. For a few years I was able to keep the secret but every time my mother got mad at me, she threatened to tell him. I was in constant worry all the time, my insides felt twisted daily. I finally told him the truth, the cowardly way in a letter. He and I never really talked about it, He said shes his and we bought a new house and I guess that was suppose to fix it all. It didn’t for me. I ended up on Anti-depressants which totally made me suicidal and manic. When I would tell the doctors how it made me feel, they would just up the dose. I had a neighbor give me a few nerve pills one day and suddenly my days seemed manageable. This is when my life changed drastically and everyone’s  who was in it, did to.  I left my husband..with our two children at the time. I want to say they were 5 and 3 and I retreated to not only nerve pills but cocaine, alcohol, men. I went from a doting mom, to one who only cared about herself. I look back now and I always say, a light switch was turned off during that time. I’m skipping and jumping, so please bare with me. I ended up going to rehap and got myself clean long enough until I came out and started all over again. I had lost everything I own. My home, my husband. By this time my husband had primary care of our kids, with me only having joint. I managed to clean myself up and get my own place and a job and start being a mother again. I still was taking pills to manage my moods, because I had bad anxiety but I justified it. I was never the traditional mom, I was very immature and unstable a majority of the time but at that time, I thought I was doing a good job. I was really doing the best I could do, I would later find…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

What does God fix?

The truth is, God can fix anything. The question really is, What are you willing to give to him to fix?
Psalm 55:22 says Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you. He will not permit the Godly to slip and fall.

I was born in 1967 into a family of Alcoholism and co-dependency. My father was a functioning alcoholic and my mother did everything she could to fix him and everyone around her.

I was the youngest of three siblings but even being the youngest, I never felt wanted. In fact my mother told me, she tried to abort me by jumping down flights of stairs. When that didn’t accomplish her mission, She tried using a coat hanger. (I know it’s horrible, but I hold no grudges.) As you see, her plan didn’t  work because here I am, Gods Beautiful creation.

Today, I am happily married with 2 children and 3 handsome grandsons. Lets just say, the journey was a long one but with God…I got to the other side.

What my blog is going to be about are my personal struggles and stories. Some of the topics I plan on writing about are very personal but I believe it can spare many of you grief later.

To name a few: Drug Addiction, Suicide, Abortion, Marital Affairs, Bi-polar, Sjogrens Disease, Wayward children, Being a parent of a gay child, Abuse, Forgiveness and much more. Regardless of where we are in our life, God knows exactly where we are and is willingly to meet us there always. We just have to be willing. I hope through each, you will see Gods Grace and redemption in my life and realize that applies to your life as well.

 

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

First blog post

My name is Anita and I am from Tennessee, not far from Nashville. I’m a wife, a mom, and a grandmother. Above all else, I am a child of God. A princess in His eyes without flaw. I have been through my share of mistakes through my 49 years of life, many with harsh consequence. What I have found through all of the pain, shame, regrets and guilt, is that God can take the ugliest picture and turn it into something beautiful. I hope my stories will give you Hope, Courage and Strength. Once we learn how to forgive ourselves, it is then we can start walking into the plan and purpose God has for our lives.